


In Dreams

by starlightwalking



Series: the world as we know it [5]
Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Ace-Spectrum Character, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Disorder, Back to Middle-Earth Month, Boundary talk, Caedsexual Maedhros, Coming Out, Consent, Disaster Gays, Dream Sex, Dysphoria, First Kiss, Getting Together, Holding Hands, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, M/M, Relationship Discussions, Sex Repulsion, Trans Fingon, Trauma-Affected Sexuality, genital talk, impulsive kisses, shitty exes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:35:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23484676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightwalking/pseuds/starlightwalking
Summary: Maedhros interrupts Fingon's dream...and things go from there.
Relationships: Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo
Series: the world as we know it [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1651942
Comments: 10
Kudos: 71
Collections: Anna's Trans Anthology, Back to Middle-earth Month 2020: Endings and Beginnings





	In Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> For B2MeM 3/19/20! The prompts were "[Pandora](https://arofili.tumblr.com/post/612971618278539264/backtomiddleearthmonth-pandora-by-john-william)" by John William Waterhouse [Official Prompt] (which only inspired like...one line, but I did my best), "[CHARACTER] knew he was only dreaming, but he didn't care" [First Line] (which gave me the context for the whole fic), and "Yes, it is great" [Last Line].
> 
> Mind the tags here! Fingon and Maedhros are both coming out of bad relationships and are very much affected by that. I'll go more into Mae's side of things in a later fic, but you can read more about Fingon's past in "[New Roots](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22986211)." (If you haven't read the other fics in this series, I'd recommend at least reading the other Mae & Fingon fics, though it's not necessary.) The implied/referenced stuff is all referenced, not just implied.  
> Rated E for dream sex, though I didn't really intend for this to be like, smut? And because this fic has trans Fingon, there is some funky pseudo-dysphoric trans genital stuff, be warned. I'm new to nsfw fic so be kind please...

Fingon knew he was only dreaming, but he didn't care. It was a good dream—the kind of dream he'd been having a lot lately, since Maedhros had officially moved in—the kind of dream he was glad Maedhros didn't know he was having.

It was weird in the way that dreams were, in that he couldn't really feel much, but he knew that what he would have been feeling was _really fucking good_. His relationship with Galdor hadn't been all bad, and he remembered this turned-on, giddy feeling from then, back before Galdor stopped caring about Fingon finding any pleasure when they had sex, back when Fingon felt okay dysphoria-wise letting Galdor eat him out. But half the fantasy, then, had been that Galdor was acting as if he had a dick instead of a pussy, and when his face was buried between Fingon's legs sometimes he could actually believe that.

This was like that, but better. Because it wasn't Galdor's scruffy blond hair he was clutching, it was Maedhros' flowing red locks, and when Maedhros came up for air, oh shit, Fingon could see that he had an actual cock, hard and thick and wet with Maedhros' spit and his own precum, and a bolt of euphoria coursed through him, right to his flat, scarless chest and his sex-addled brain, and then Maedhros grinned at him with a look of excitement and _love_ in his eyes and came back down and—

A distant part of Fingon could feel his real body, horny and twitching in his bed and rutting against the pillow he'd shoved between his legs so his knees wouldn't knock together. In the dream, Maedhros had his lips around his cock, and that was the kind of ghost-feeling he wasn't familiar with in real life. Between the impossibility of that genital situation and the back-of-his-mind panic that Maedhros would somehow know he was dreaming about him and be upset—yeah, he knew this wasn't real.

But it was so _nice_ , definitely way better than the dreams where Galdor yelled at him, or where Aredhel and Turgon drove all the way to visit him and laughed at how stupid his new place was, or where his dad told him he was disappointed in him for switching majors, or whatever weird, unbelievable fantasy shit his brain could cook up about dragons or knights or giant eagles... he'd take a dream about Maedhros giving him a blowjob any day.

It would only ever be a dream, anyway. Even if he did manage to get bottom surgery someday, he didn't think his jumpy new roommate would ever be interested in...well...him. Aside from the anxiety-fueled jokes at their first meeting ( _that_ was a scenario that played on repeat in his dreams, too), Maedhros had shown pretty much no interest in him. Or in anything other than his classwork, really.

Not that Fingon cared. That much. It was way too soon after Galdor, and he hadn't even come out to Maedhros as trans (yet), and though Maedhros didn't really talk about it Fingon knew that his last relationship hadn't been so great, either. Even if they were both into dudes, that didn't mean Maedhros was into him.

And it wasn't like Fingon was into him. That much.

Well, maybe he was, if this dream meant anything at all. And all the other ones. And his fantasies when he was masturbating his period cramps away. And how fast his heart been beating when Maedhros fell asleep on his arm watching that stupid action movie last weekend, like, was that just dudes being dudes or...? And—well. Okay, maybe he was into Maedhros. A little bit. A lot.

In his dream Maedhros did— _something_ —it was getting to that kind of fuzzy moment where he knew he was dreaming which meant he was about to wake up—and Fingon cried out his name, bucking against the pillow and wishing that was enough to make him come for real—

And then there was a knock at his door, and he heard Maedhros' voice, his _real_ voice, saying his name, and Fingon struggled to sit up as the dream faded and he realized with horror that oops, he had actually cried out Maedhros' name. In real life.

"Fingon? Are you okay?" Maedhros asked, and his voice was so concerned that Fingon's heart jumped up into his throat and he couldn't find any words to say and he just strangled out something high-pitched that sounded like, "Mmmmnnngk!"

"I'm gonna come in," Maedhros said, and the doorknob turned. Mortified, Fingon tried to jump out of bed, but he got caught in his sheets and tripped face-first to the ground, or he would have if Maedhros had not rushed over just in time to catch him.

God he was _so_ fucking tall and like, Fingon had a thing for tall guys, but he was even taller than Galdor had been, and his hair was all loose and messy from sleeping and he was _holding_ Fingon, holding him _real_ tight, and he realized with panic that Maedhros probably was noticing his tits that weren't bound down at the moment and if there was any chance Maedhros liked him back he probably wouldn't anymore and—

"Fingon? Finno?" Maedhros said, and he was leaning down so close Fingon could feel his breath, and his dizzy, panic-stricken mind suddenly cleared: this was another anxiety dream, it had to be, because Maedhros wouldn't call him _Finno_ , that was something only his family called him, and so it would be alright if Fingon kissed him, because that was how dream-logic worked, and that would make things go back to the way they'd been before, with Maedhros' head between his legs, and yeah, that was _way_ preferable to whatever this mess was.

So: he leaned up into Maedhros' lips and kissed him, and when Maedhros' breath caught and Fingon could taste the garlic fries they'd shared last night, he realized that—oops!—this wasn't a dream after all, and he really had just kissed his roommate, and oh my god this was _not_ going to end well.

Fingon jumped back, falling onto his bed with his head spinning, trying to stop himself from crying like an idiot. He was shaking, but that didn't mean much because Maedhros was standing stock-still in front of him with an expression like a deer caught in headlights, and oh no, Fingon didn't know exactly what Maedhros' last boyfriend had put him through but he knew it had been _bad_ , like worse-than-just-getting-cheated-on bad, and he'd just _kissed_ him without asking permission. Oh _no_.

"Maedhros—" he stammered out— "Maedhros...I'm, I'm sorry, seriously I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to—I mean I did, but I thought I was—not that it makes it any better but I—I'm so sorry—"

Maedhros blinked, then lifted a hand up to touch his lips, as if he wasn't sure what had just happened. "You...kissed me?" he said, like he was asking for clarification.

"Um, yes, and like I said I'm _so_ sorry, I know I shouldn't have—I know you probably don't like me, anyway, and I shouldn't have just _done_ that without your permission—and I wasn't even gonna ask, not because I wanted to just do it without asking, I mean, I'm so sorry I did that—it's just I, that would be opening a Pandora's box of issues, and like—"

"Fingon?" Maedhros said, quietly cutting through his mess of thoughts. "I'm not upset. Please—please stop apologizing. It's...I'm not mad."

Fingon shut up. He didn't understand, not exactly, but he realized he'd gone too far. He nodded, furiously blinking tears out of his eyes ( _why_ was he like this? why couldn't he react to things like a normal person instead of freaking out over every little fucking thing? and okay this was kind of a big one, _but_ —)

Maedhros sat down next to him on the bed, keeping a good foot of space between them. He was so _still_ , while Fingon couldn't seem to stop moving, shaking his foot rapidly and picking at a hangnail, doing everything he possibly could to distract himself from whatever inevitably crushing thing Maedhros was about to say.

"I'm not upset," Maedhros repeated, slow but a bit unsure of himself. "You just—surprised me. And, are you alright? I heard you call out for me?"

"I'm fine," Fingon mumbled, "just—anxious." He laughed nervously. "But that's not new."

"Okay," Maedhros said. He reached out a hand to steady Fingon's shaking foot, but flinched back before touching him. "Um. You kissed me?"

Fingon bit back another apology. "It was stupid. I didn't—" _mean it_ , is what he'd intended to say, but there was something weird in the way Maedhros still kept his hand outstretched, as if longing to touch him, unsure if he should. And he _had_ meant it, no matter how stupid that was. "I didn't realize it was...really happening. I was having a—a weird dream. About—well, you."

"I've been wanting to," Maedhros blurted out, and it was dark in Fingon's room (fuck, it was like 3am, he had _class_ tomorrow, or was it technically today?) but Fingon could see him blush as red as his hair. "Kiss you, I mean. For awhile."

Fingon's heart skipped a beat—and then started to pound even faster, if that were possible. Oh, he was still incredibly anxious, but for an _entirely_ different reason than before.

"But I didn't want to make you uncomfortable," Maedhros continued, "I know you just got through a breakup, and well, I did too, and I don't know if I'm ready after everything with Mairon, to try again, but um. You're very kissable. And I thought, maybe you wanted to, also? But I wasn't sure, and. Um."

"I do, I do!" Fingon said, and he grabbed Maedhros' hand, only to release it instantly. "Sorry—I should be asking if I can do things like that. Um, can I..." The words died in his throat.

Maedhros nodded slightly, extending his hand again, and Fingon took it gingerly. His hands were bigger than Fingon's own, but his fingers slipped in between Fingon's easily, and his grip was strong and tight. Fingon found himself squeezing Maedhros' hand like his life depended on it, and when he realized Maedhros was squeezing right back, a wave of relief washed over him. The contact grounded him, and while his anxiety still lurked within, he found he could think again.

"I _am_ sorry, for surprising you," Fingon said, his voice settling into a lower register. Fuck, he hadn't even realized he'd been squeaking through his pseudo-panic attack. If Maedhros didn't already think there was something fucked up about him he sure would now—not that being trans made him fucked up, he scolded himself fiercely. "I know that your ex...wasn't great with that."

Maedhros' mouth twisted into a grimace, a shadow flashing across his face. "He did more than just _surprise_ me. He did a lot of things without asking first. And he never apologized."

Fingon didn't know if "I'm sorry" was the right response to that. Instead he just squeezed Maedhros' hand even harder, and Maedhros trembled slightly in response, leaning into the touch.

"Do you...want to talk about it?" he asked gently.

Maedhros sighed. "No." He shook his head. "Not—not now, at least. Maybe later."

"Okay," Fingon whispered. "I'm here if you want to talk."

"Thanks," Maedhros said. He looked over to Fingon. "And really. I have been wanting to kiss you, so it's not like you did anything that wrong."

Fingon's throat went dry. "Um," he said. "If you...still want to, you can."

Maedhros hesitated. "Are you sure? I can tell you're pretty anxious right now, and I can only imagine after that bad dream you had—"

Fingon laughed. "Oh my god, _no_ ," he said. "That dream was, um. Not a bad one. Actually the opposite of bad."

"...oh?" Maedhros leaned closer, within kissing distance, and Fingon's head spun, but in a good way this time. "What do you mean?"

"Fuck," Fingon breathed out, "I mean, really, _fuck_. You were—in the dream, I mean, you were blowing me." Admitting that made him remember just how _good_ it had felt, even if it was in that amorphous dream way, and it sent a rush of heat straight to his groin. If he had a dick, it would've been hardening; as it was, he felt his clit perk up.

Maedhros laughed, a low, throaty sound. "And you liked that, huh?" he murmured.

"Mmm," Fingon said, leaning into him, "yeah, I did."

This time it was Maedhros who kissed him, in an altogether different manner: slow and sweet, and Fingon didn't even care that he had garlic breath from last night ('cuz he did too, he was sure of it) because the feeling of Maedhros' lips on his, warm and moving, was just _too_ much. He reached the hand that wasn't twined with Maedhros' own up into that mane of red hair, pulling him closer, scrambling into Maedhros' lap...

But Maedhros hesitated, so Fingon pulled back, and he realized that while he was almost as turned on as he'd been in the dream, Maedhros wasn't hard. Which—unless he was trans too, which Fingon didn't think he was—meant that he wasn't really into it.

"But, that'll never happen," Fingon joked weakly, conscious that Maedhros probably thought he wasn't really that into it either, considering he also had no bulge in his pajama pants...though for an entirely different reason. "Even if you do want to kiss me."

Maedhros flinched, genuine hurt clear in the way he grimaced and looked away. "I'm sorry," he muttered, "I haven't been—not since Mairon...I don't think I'm, well. I don't think I can, not anymore. Not right now. You're great, Fingon, and like, you _should_ be my type, but since Mairon, well, since he raped me, I just... can't, anymore."

"Oh my god, that's..." Fingon was mortified. "I didn't mean _you_. That's fine, it's not a problem at all, I just meant—" He let go of Maedhros' hand and scooted away, steeling himself for an about-face. Galdor hadn't been openly transphobic, not at first, but plenty of guys had turned their interest into a rejection the second they realized Fingon didn't have the equipment they were looking for.

"Well...and I don't wanna make this all about me, especially after what you just told me, but, um. I'm trans?" Fingon crossed his arms over his chest, wishing more than ever that he was wearing his binder. He closed his eyes, continuing, "I mean, even if you did want to fuck, you couldn't give me a blowjob, because I don't actually. Well. Have a dick."

"Oh," Maedhros said after a pause. "Oh, that...makes sense, actually. Um. Thanks for telling me."

Fingon stared at him. "You're not upset...?" he inquired in a small voice.

"Of course not," Maedhros said firmly. "That doesn't change how I feel about you at all. I mean...sex is probably the last thing I'm worried about right now. And, you're a man, no matter what. You are a man, right, not—?"

"Yeah, I'm a trans man," Fingon confirmed. He smiled, more relieved than he'd realized was possible. "My ex—he said he was okay with that, but he...was not."

"I mean it," Maedhros affirmed. "Really, I do."

"I believe you," Fingon said, and he did. "Galdor made jokes about it, he didn't take it seriously, and then he got bored of me and cheated on me and...well, I don't know when I'll be ready for sex, too, dreams aside. So—your thing, that's fine, too. And thanks for telling me, Maedhros. I'm here for you, if you want to talk about it."

"Not now," Maedhros said. He looked at Fingon shyly, reaching out a hand again. "I don't want to think about him, not when I can be with you."

Fingon could've melted into him right then and there. He scooted back over to Maedhros and let himself be held, his eyes fluttering shut and his heart bursting with warmth. It had been too long since he'd had a proper hug like this.

"Do you want to kiss me again?" Maedhros murmured. "I can do that. I want to do that. I know everything about this relationship has been weird, what with how we met and me moving in all of a sudden and everything and—wait. Are we...in a relationship? Do you want to be?"

Fingon nodded emphatically, clinging to him. "Yes!" he mumbled into Maedhros' chest. "I've, well, I've been into you since I met you and I honestly can't believe this is—happening. I'm afraid I'm still dreaming, except I can feel you in a way that I couldn't then, not even when you were sucking my dream-dick."

Maedhros laughed and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "You're my boyfriend, then?"

"If you're mine." Fingon was reluctant to push himself out of Maedhros' embrace, but if it meant looking him in the eyes, well, that was worth it. "Can I kiss you, Maedhros? Is that okay?"

Maedhros nodded, and Fingon kissed him, slow at first but then fierce like the world was ending, and Maedhros tumbled over into his bed and they kept kissing, arms wrapped around each other, until Fingon could barely breathe.

"Can I kiss you again?" he mumbled through swollen lips. "Here?" Maedhros nodded again, and Fingon kissed his chin. "Here?" A nod; a kiss on the ear. "Here?" A nod; the neck. "Here—" the chest— "Here—" his chin again, and then: "And here? Is that okay? Is this?"

"Yes," Maedhros breathed, and Fingon kissed his lips once more. "Yes—it's great."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, and please comment if you enjoyed!  
> You can find me on tumblr [@arofili](http://arofili.tumblr.com/).


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